A Happy Ending...

I know how the book ends. Trust me. So turn back to that page where your bookmark sits, waiting for you to live the way you were meant to live, savoring every moment.

Friday, October 28, 2005

The Countdown Begins

Busy day at work today, so I haven't been able to spend time on a post. But I just realized something and wanted to share...

I'm getting married one year from today! October 28, 2006

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

To the members of my new blog circle:

I'd like to know more about all of you. Is that a blog-friendly request? Don't answer if you'd rather not...

1.What did you study in school/are you studying currently/wish you had studied?
2.What are you doing with your life right now?
3.What do you wish you were doing with your life right now?
4.Where do you see yourself in five years...ok JUST KIDDING with that one. This is not an interview.

Respond if you feel so inclined...

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

The first of many on the wonder that is my mother...

So, I'm babysitting my mom tonight. Now before you get any ideas, let me clear up a few things:
My mom is not...

1. Really old
2. An Alzheimer's patient
3. Suffering from any major illness
4. Frail or Feeble
5. Blind
6. Deaf
7. Recovering from Major Surgery
8. An alcoholic

or any of the things you may be thinking. My mom is 59, active as a teenager and quite healthy. She merely suffers from the "I've been married for 37 years syndrome." Yes, shake your heads, my family is one of those families. My parents have been married for forever, we all actually get along (for the most part), and my parents still sleep in the same bed every night. Which brings me to my point. Tonight I will be babysitting my mom because my dad is out of town for one stinking night.

What was I thinking moving out of their house and only 10 miles away. I am way too available to my parents, which is funny because I really don't have a lot of time to fudge on. I work an 8-5 job everyday, and a second job most evenings and Sundays (kind of a little side hobby - more on that later); my home is my haven, my time alone is precious. I love coming home to my own apartment every night. My fiance and I live in two different cities right now and I miss him terribly, but I'm enjoying this time of independence and solitude (at least at night) so much. You know what Mom, I stay alone every night and I survive. So why can't she?

To make matters worse, my mother won't call and ask me to stay herself. She has my father call me and give me that parent guilt trip we all know so well. "Your mother does a lot of nice things for you, blah, blah, blah." And then when I talk to her, she plays it cool. "You really don't need to worry about me. I probably won't sleep well, but I'll be just fine." That's right, Mom, you will be just fine, but yes, I do have to stay with you because if I don't, I will never hear the end of it.

Now you'd think that being under the same roof would be enough, but friends and readers, it is not. I must sleep in her bed with her. I kick in my sleep, I talk in my sleep (God bless the man who is marrying me next year), and yet sleeping with me is somehow a better option than sleeping alone. My mother and I are very close. I am the baby in the family. Sharing a bed with her is not a totally crazy thing to me - it is a king after all. But I've never liked to sleep in my parents bed. We just didn't do that as kids. On the few occasions I did, I remember getting put in the middle, watching as they both rolled over and pulled the covers in their own directions, and being left there with the covers resting a good 6 inches from my body. I'm a snuggler - this situation did NOT work for me. Ever since then, I have not cared to sleep in that bed!

But, I am stuck! Tonight, I will leave work at 5, make my hour commute (don't you love traffic?) to my other job, then make the 20 min. drive to my apartment, pack my overnight bag, and head to my parents' house. I will do this because I am a good daughter, and as we discussed earlier, a people pleaser. I simply can't say no.

A co-worker, who lost her mother years ago, told me to enjoy it while it lasts. I know she is right. But is it really necessarily to sleep there with her? Does she think I can somehow protect her should an intruder make his/her way into our deadbolted, alarmed house? Does she think that my being in the bed with her will really help the fact that my father is not? I'm not sure what we are accomplishing here, other than contributing to my mother's helplessness. And damnit, I love my own bed at my own apartment. This, friends and readers, is a damn thing (to quote our new blog friend Rob.)

It goes without saying: We children do a lot of nice things for our parents!

Monday, October 24, 2005

A Virtual Encounter

If I may copy my new blog friend Mayor McMoonUnit, Iwould like to do a post on the many nicknames I have had throughout the years, but I will save that until I have his permission...

So today's story involves a friend of mine. She is dating...ahem...going on dates with a really nice guy. She's really quite taken with him, and I don't blame her - he seems really great. So here's the rub...

Apparently he dated another young woman for quite some time prior to my friend. He broke up with her months ago, but she is keeping herself very much in the picture. She not only makes appearances at places where she knows he will be, she also plays on "good guy" nature, and requests the small (and by small, I mean large) favor every once in a while (and by every once in a while, I mean as often as she can). This guy keeps saying that he needs to "talk to" this girl, lessen the contact between them. He assures my friend that he has no interest in getting back together with her. I think my friend feels confident in that. Still, this sad girl keeps getting in the way, and this guy (God love clueless men) doesn't realize that her ploy is to get him back into her web and that this road will lead to his demise. Do men honestly not see our tactics?

Here's the other part. This guy doesn't know that my friend knows about all of these "favors" and casual meetings. You know how you used to drive by the house of the person you had a crush on. Well, it turns out you can do that virtually now. A blog is a powerful thing and it happens to be the reason my friend knows as much as she does. Before you count her as a psycho, be honest with yourself - you'd do the same. So anyway, he kind of leaves out that information because he knows she will not like it. Yet, she is not in girlfriendland, where she can speak up about these things and let him know they bother her. Plus, she'd totally out herself as a stalker if she brought it up.

So what's a girl to do? Comments from the peanut gallery are welcome...

PS can someone tell me how to add links to blogs on the side column of my own? Yes, I know, I should know how to do this!

Friday, October 21, 2005

It is Fall, Friends and Readers

Days like this are the reason I live in Houston. Well, of course my job and family are the reasons honestly, but days like this are the reason I love it here. I wish you could peer out my window and see what I am seeing today, step out of my office and experience a beautiful October day in Houston. I would try to paint you a picture, but my words would not do it justice. The sky is a perfect blue, it's sunny, and there is a great chill in the air that will only get chillier as the day goes on.

Pumpkins, squash, the smell of baked goods, candy corn, fall leaves, family, and glowing fires - these things are what life is all about this time of year. Red, orange, gold, brown - a perfect canvas for memory-making. October sunsets - sacred moments in the beautiful sanctuary that is creation. Yes, I have switched gears considerably from the Astros in the World Series to this (although that's one of my other favorite things about fall) but I'm just in awe of life this time of year.

On another note, this blog thing is pretty fun. It's interesting who you encounter in this mysterious honesty masquerade.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

A Sad Day in St. Louis...

"The Astros are going to the World Series" she says, jumping up and down, acting like a fool, and so proud of the boys from Houston she can hardly stand it.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Restless

Well the overwhelming response from my family and friends (those who know the specifics of this situation) has been to stand firm in our decision, which really is a compromise in itself. I feel satisfied that it is the right thing to do, although I know it will surely not be received as one would hope. God bless the miles between us - they are like fences between neighbors.

That being said, I still struggle. For those that know me, I am somewhat of a walking contradiction. I can be very assertive. I speak my mind when it is the time and place. I am not a pushover. Yet, I have this innate desire to please. That's right - I'm a people pleaser. And I truly want everyone to be happy, but I have to be included among those. I know that some feelings are going to be hurt by this decision, but my feelings have been hurt, too; I already feel like others have overstepped their boundaries.

So, I'm a little restless. I know we are making the right decision, but I'm afraid of how it is going to be received when all is said and done. I have this nervous feeling that I just can't shake. This is really distracting me from other things I should be doing. But right now, it's all I can think about.

On a completely different note, my favorite baseball team in the whole wide world (my home team in fact) the Houston Astros are playing for the NLC title and a move to the World Series. I love those guys; they are about the nicest baseball team around and they deserve this. So cross your fingers for my home team. My stomach will certainly be in knots tonight as I watch with my peanuts and crackerjacks!

Monday, October 17, 2005

It's not about that

So, I'm getting married. Did I mention that? A year from this month I will be marrying a very wonderful man who I love and respect very much. I'll get right to the point. I am being pressured by my in-laws-to-be to do something that neither I nor my groom want to do. We decided on this before the issue ever came up. I don't feel right about sending the specifics about this situation into cyber-space, but I do need advice here. Do I stick to my guns and risk alienating myself and my fiancee from his family or do I give in and set a precedent for being walked-on. Honestly, I don't feel like the issue at hand is as important; how we proceed from this point forward is. I have no idea what to do. My groom has no idea what to do. I know I don't have alot of readers, but if you have any suggestions, please share!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Don't rock the boat

Ok, so this month is "evaluation month" at my office. I find myself really trying to mind my p's and q's. Don't get me wrong - I am a very hard worker on any given day and I like to think that I go above and beyone more often than not. But everything seems to be heightened right now: my caution along with my awareness of just how annoying my office can be.

Surprisingly, I really like my job. I enjoy the work that I do for the most part and realize the necessity of the work that I don't enjoy. I think my biggest problem is the fact that deep down, I want to be my own boss. I have trouble with authority. Most people probably don't know that about me because I typically aim to please even when it means setting aside my own ideas and frustrations. I do this for a number of reasons and it has served me well. Still, I'm thinking all the while how much I hate that I have bosses to please, in all areas of my life. I hate when I'm told to do something that I already knew I needed to do. The simple reminder is a huge insult to me. Am I crazy or do other people feel this way?

My mom would probably tell me that I am "too big for my britches." Oh how many times I've heard that in my life. She'd tell me that just because I have a college education and a few years of work experience under my belt doesn't mean I'm ready to take on the world. And I guess she'd be right. But it isn't really a matter of wanting to take on the world. I simply want to be motivated to do my job from within, not because of an evaluation, and I want to be trusted. I've got all these things racing through my mind, but this steady voice keeps saying "don't rock the boat" because it is evaluation month. I have to set that aside and continue to please. I guess that is the nature of the beast.

Am I alone on this one?

Friday, October 07, 2005

twenty-four tries...

There is a song by Switchfoot that I love called 24. It was last year when I first heard it and now, a year later, I am 24. I guess you should know the song before I continue...

Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong
See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies in twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me


Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me


I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
Twenty four hearts

With all of my symphonies in twenty four parts
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.
When you're raising the dead in me...

It's an amazing song if you haven't heard it and a jumping off point for my blog. A few years ago I found myself with my world turned upside down. I was lost and scared and sad and without hope. Everyone was telling me something different and I didn't know who to listen to. Every day was hard, but different from the one before it. I had lost an ugly monster and a beautiful dream all at once, and with that, I lost myself. I heard this song...

And then, I prayed that God would raise the dead in me. Or rather, that God would raise all that was dead in me. Days went by and turned to weeks and I prayed and I prayed and soon all that was left was me and God and the air...and the dead was gone and new life had come. After a year of grieving it was as simple as that. A simple prayer for God to raise the dead in me belted out of the sadness in my heart, becomming the music of my life for a time, resounding in my very soul, and released melodiously to God. Taking with it the disappointment, the betrayal, the monster that is my insecurity, the grief, and bringing HOPE.

That was over a year ago. And now I am 24. And even after all of that, I still believe that my life will have a happy ending. That's all I really need to know. I looked ahead to the end of the book and I know it has a happy ending, so now I can turn back to the corner that marks my place and take each day as it comes. Sometimes life will make me laugh and sometimes it will make me cry, but it has a happy ending and that's all I need to know.

First Try

ok, this isn't going to say anything because I'm just trying to figure this thing out. Have I done it right?